An Authentic Fraud
Are you a victim of the haunting question of “what do you do?” In our lives, in this country, we are often defined by the answer to this question. I don’t really blame us though. There is far too much coming at us all at once, too much stimuli, and we as humans need to categorize and become selective with the things we interact with. So we use “what we do” as an easy way to define who we and others are in one quick question.
I’ve personally come to realize just how painful this question can be for people in this day and age. Many of our friends have lost their jobs, our economy is damaged, and we are in a period of transition. I am currently struggling with this question myself, and voila a blog post title was born.
I have dedicated my adventure into blogging with a couple of agreements with myself. I wanted to build a community that I could joyfully spend every day being part of, and I wanted to do it with an authenticity that I feel both me and my world needs. The community part is steadily becoming a reality, but the authenticity part is what I am struggling with. And, it all comes down to the question in the title of this blog…”Am I a blogger?”
The Juxtaposition (I love this word)
I am in the middle of a total identity crisis. I am not done with all the haunting of 2009, and I am surely not making a living blogging, at least not yet. I want to answer the question of “what do you do?” with an authentic answer, but I am afraid I don’t know what that is. Am I a blogger simply because I make that statement, even if I am at the beginning of a path that has not revealed its destination entirely, or am I a fraud that is pretending to be something before I’ve actually become that?
In my last post “paralysis by analysis” I explained the steps I have been taking to move into the community I wish to belong to. This post can be considered the follow-up to that post. I want to authentically tell people I am a blogger, but I feel like a fraud when I do it. It’s as if the blog is to define who I am.
This definition of who I am is what is stopping me from finalizing my theme, and taking the next step forward. The problem is that I feel as though my decisions as to my theme, my focus, and the goals I set are going to define me. And, I will have effectively put myself into a position in which I must accept as my identity. I’m not sure if I am ready to accept a new identity, or perhaps I don’t have the confidence that I will make the right decision for that identity.
I Need a New Solution
As I wrote, rewrote, deleted, and so on, and so forth, I discovered that the question is flawed. “What do you do?” is a terrible question. It’s not as though the answer will give you a real insight as to who I am, or what I want from life, or who I am trying to be. Instead it only gives you a glimpse at a sliver of my life that is shallow enough for it to be a safe engagement between me and the inquisitor.
Maybe we should start asking, “Who are you?” instead. We could reply with things like I am a man who loves to share, who strives for honesty almost to a fault, who helps (sometimes too much), and who gets angry at people that don’t take personal responsibility. It would be a lot clearer for the other person, but then again I don’t think most people could handle that type of interaction.
The problem still exists, but I’m a little more ready to step into an unknown future without kicking and screaming. As for my identity I think I’m going to start making some agreements instead of decisions. I’ll keep you posted on that.
P.S. Once I pick my theme and relaunch this blog I’m going to add a page of agreements.